


A Father's Anxious Heart

by gyuhyun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 08:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6797437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyuhyun/pseuds/gyuhyun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joonmyun hears singing from his neighbor's apartment all the time, and it leads him to a wonderful discovery.</p>
<p>(Edited: 07/01/2016; Grammar mistakes that I missed)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Father's Anxious Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I used this lullaby called [Island Baby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBPAx-6OxFg). It's really cute and everyone should listen to it. I got the SHINee concert version one because A+ (also Jonghyun's voice is kinda like Jongdae's soooooo imagine it. IMAGINE IT!). I also got the title from the lullaby and I just changed mother to father for obvious reasons.
> 
> (Prompt #46)

Joonmyun sighs in relief as soon as his back hits the sofa. It’s been a month since he moved to the city, but he hasn’t had much time to enjoy his independence. With tidying up his things and preparing lesson plans, most of Joonmyun’s weekends have been reserved for work and labor. But today, after unpacking the last of his boxes and preparing most of his lessons for the upcoming week, he can finally take it easy. 

_Finally going to get some sleep_ , Joonmyun thinks. He closes his eyes and counts to ten. As if right on schedule, Joonmyun hears humming from the wall where his head rests, and eventually, it turns into singing.

"Eommaga seomgunure," his neighbor sings. It seems to be the favorite lullaby as Joonmyun's heard it endlessly from the other side since he moved in. He takes a deep breath and lets the singing lull him into a daze. "Gul ddareo gamyeon."

"Agiga honja nama," the man—Joonmyun assumes—continues to sing. If it were someone else, Joonmyun would probably be sick and tired of the lullaby already. But there's something soothing in the way his neighbor sings. His voice softly permeates the walls to his apartment, and the notes of the song caress Joonmyun's body in a way that eases his troubles away. Joonmyun swears he melts into whatever surface he's leaning or resting on whenever his neighbor sings, which is a lot.

When the lullaby ends, the spell lingers in Joonmyun's room and he waits for a beat before he hears the whining of a little girl. Joonmyun smiles as he pictures the child whine for her father to continue singing. He can hear muffled voices, probably a conversation, before the father concedes and sings again. Joonmyun smiles and hums along. With every passing minute and every note sung, Joonmyun's exhaustion ebbs away, leaving him feeling better than ever.

His neighbor seems to only stop singing when his daughter has fallen asleep, and today is no different. Joonmyun, feeling a little more energized now, gets up from the couch and heads toward his kitchen. It’s a little late but Joonmyun pushes himself to make his mother's special kimbap.

When Joonmyun first arrived, his mother had given him some of her special kimbap to give to the neighbors. But Joonmyun didn't have the time to greet his neighbors, and as days passed and work piled on, Joonmyun found himself eating the special kimbap.

Joonmyun cringes at the memory. He just hopes his mother never finds out what he'd done. He focuses on making the rolls, thinking about finally having the time to greet his neighbor in Apartment 202.

Joonmyun would be lying if he said that the only reason he was making the kimbap was to greet his neighbor. After hearing his neighbor sing every day for a month, he thinks it's high time that he's met the man. _Not only that_ , his brain quickly reminds. Joonmyun sighs at himself.

Ever since Joonmyun moved in, he's been hearing rumors about his neighbor that sparked his curiosity. A lot of the tenants of the complex are old ladies with old-fashioned views. They often group together and gossip around the laundry and trash area. They talk in loud and unashamed voices, making sure the people they're talking about hear exactly what they think of them.

Joonmyun has been a victim of these gossips before. It had just been his second week, and he'd finally found the time to squeeze in some laundry into his schedule. He'd managed to coincide with old ladies' schedule that morning, and they immediately eyed his large amount of clothes. It started with soft whispers, which Joonmyun drowned with the sound of the machines. As the day progressed, the whispers turned louder, and soon Joonmyun could hear exactly what they were saying.

"It really is too bad. He's such a fine looking young man, and yet he can't look after himself at all."

"With bad manners too! Have you noticed that he hasn't greeted us at all since he came into the room? And he hasn't introduced himself at all since he moved in two weeks ago!"

"And they said the youth was the hope of our generation."

If it had been any other time, Joonmyun would have let the comment slide, but he'd been having a hard time adjusting to city life. After plastering his best smile, Joonmyun cleared his throat and approached the ladies. If there was one advantage Joonmyun learned as an elementary school teacher, it was using his face to his advantage. He'd often been told how charming his smile was, and Joonmyun harnessed this power.

It shocked and embarrassed the ladies, but soon they too fell for Joonmyun's charms. It didn't stop them from talking about him, but at least they didn't do it in a way that anyone else besides themselves could hear. It was enough for Joonmyun.

If only Joonmyun could say the same for his neighbor, or the other people living in the complex. The old ladies gossiped about everyone, even the landlord.

Joonmyun shakes his head as he remembers some of the harsh words they spat about his neighbor. He tries to forget them so it doesn't cloud his judgment. "You don't know them," Joonmyun reminds himself, finishing up the kimbap. He covers it with clear plastic and puts it in the fridge.

"But tomorrow," Joonmyun says. "hopefully, I will."

  


* * *

  
Joonmyun picks a time somewhere between morning and noon to knock on 202's door. He could still hear some movement from the neighboring apartment before he left, so he doesn't think they've left.

"Coming!" A voice shouts, loud and clear. It's the first time Joonmyun's heard the voice so clearly. It startles him a little. He barely has any time to relax before the door opens and he meets the eyes of his neighbor for the first time.

Joonmyun doesn't want to admit it but the first thought that pops to his mind is, _He's cute_. His neighbor smiles at him even as his eyes seem to question why he's standing outside his door. _He reminds me of a kitten_ , is his second thought.

"How can I help you?" the man—or, boy?—asks, and Joonmyun belatedly realizes he hasn't spoken at all. He quickly puts on his best smile, finding it harder to do more than usual.

"Hi, I'm sorry it took me this long to introduce myself, but I'm Kim Joonmyun and I moved into 201 about a month ago. Here," Joonmyun hands his neighbor the plate of kimbap, bowing a little. "This is for you."

"Ah, thank you very much," his neighbor reciprocates the bow and accepts the plate. "I'm Kim Jongdae. It's nice to meet you. Why don't you come inside and we can share your kimbap?" If possible, his neighbor's smile grows wider and Joonmyun admits defeat. There's just no way he can say no to that.

Joonmyun follows Jongdae inside, his eyes admiring the simple decor of the apartment. It resembles his own, from where the kitchen and living room are to the door of what he assumes to be the bedroom. He takes note of the missing balcony door by the living room, replaced by a rather large window. But the biggest difference is that there are the toys strewn all over the living room floor, surrounding a little girl.

"Make yourself at home." Jongdae gestures for Joonmyun to take a seat on one of the dining room chairs while he approaches the girl in the living room. "Haru-ah, come, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

The girl named Haru looks up and squints her eyes at Joonmyun slightly before obeying her father. Jongdae brings her to stand in front of him, his hands on her shoulders. "Haru, this is our next door neighbor, Kim Joonmyun-ssi. Say hello."

Haru looks up at her father, skeptical. Joonmyun drops to his knee and levels himself to Haru's eyes.

"It's nice to meet you, Haru-ssi," Joonmyun says sincerely, bowing slightly. This seems to gain him some favor as the little girl smiles and nods.

"Nice to meetchu too Joonmyun-oppa," she replies, lowering her head.

"Joonmyun-ssi brought us some kimbap, so why don't we wash our hands and eat lunch." Jongdae leads them to the kitchen and Joonmyun watches as Jongdae helps Haru wash her hands, and then wipes them dry. Joonmyun follows and sits with them.

"What do we say to Joonmyun-ssi for giving us this kimbap?" Jongdae asks, sitting Haru right on his lap. Haru's eyes shine as she looks at Joonmyun.

"Thank you oppa," she says, flashing Joonmyun her pearly whites.

"Anything for a little girl as pretty as you," Joonmyun replies, winking. Haru giggles but Jongdae scoffs, which catches the other two off guard.

"I'm sorry," Jongdae says, trying his best not to choke on his own laughter. "That was just so painfully cheesy. Are you always like this?"

Joonmyun tries to play it cool even though his cheeks start burning, but when he opens his mouth and nothing comes out, he knows he's lost. Haru chuckles and Joonmyun follows along, laughing with the father and daughter duo.

"Sometimes, yes," Joonmyun explains when they've all calmed down. "I'm an elementary teacher so it helps to flirt a little when I deal with mothers and guardians of the students."

Jongdae almost chokes on his own kimbap as he scoffs. "Sorry, wow. That's the first time I've heard that excuse." 

"Jongdae-appa," Haru interrupts, tugging onto Jongdae's shirt. "Ah, ah," Joonmyun smiles at the two in front of him. Jongdae looks a little put out at the adorable face Haru makes that eventually gets him to give in to her demands. He grabs a kimbap from the plate and pops it in her mouth.

"Thank you, Jongdae-appa," Haru sings, planting a kiss on her father's cheek. Joonmyun can feel his teeth ache at the sweetness displayed before him. But it's not so bad, he thinks, a smile forming on his lips.

"What're you smiling at?" Jongdae asks.

"Nothing. You really like spoiling her, huh?"

"I—wha—" Haru giggles and nods. Jongdae stutters a little more and sighs in defeat. "I can't help it."

"I bet no father could," Joonmyun points out, popping a kimbap in his mouth while looking innocently into Jongdae's eyes.

"Do you have your own kids?" Jongdae asks. 

"Ah, no. But I just thought that if I had a daughter like Haru, I would want to spoil her, too."

Jongdae nods, and for some reason, he remains quiet. Joonmyun wonders if he'd said something to make him uncomfortable, but before he can ask, Haru comments, "Thatschu bad. Haru won't make new friends."

It catches both Joonmyun and Jongdae off guard, but they laugh off Haru's comments, with Joonmyun apologizing for his lack of children. It's enough to get them back into a conversing mood and Joonmyun ends up staying until all the kimbap's eaten. He takes back the plate and promises to come back with more next time.

"Come over for dinner nexttime, okay oppa?" Haru asks, holding onto Joonmyun's hand.

Joonmyun kneels down and looks into Haru's eyes. "That's up to your father, Haru," Joonmyun explains, eyes going up to look at Jongdae. It takes a second before Jongdae realizes he's being addressed.

"Oh, well, if you promise to come back with more kimbap, you're welcome anytime," Jongdae says and Haru smiles widely at Joonmyun, anticipating his reply.

"It's a promise then," Joonmyun says, pulling out his pinky so he and Haru can seal the deal. Haru smiles widely at the gesture, completing the chant with Joonmyun. Joonmyun bids them a good day and goes back to his apartment.

When he washes the empty plate by the sink, Joonmyun silently thanks his mother for teaching him how to make her special kimbap.

Now that he’s fully adjusted to his new lifestyle, Joonmyun starts leaving for work a lot less earlier. This puts him on the same bus as Jongdae every morning. At first, he keeps their conversations as short as possible. With Jongdae and Haru looking tired in the morning, Joonmyun waits for a lull before cutting the exchange. He then watches as both father and daughter eventually fall asleep during the trip.

Joonmyun gets off at the third stop, much earlier than the two who say their stop is the last. He often leaves without waking them up and whispers his farewell. He watches the bus go, often seeing Jongdae's head rested against the window, and then goes inside the school where he teaches at.

Joonmyun lessens his overtime as well, and sometimes, he gets home just as late or early as Jongdae. It all really depends on when Jongdae gets home from wherever he's coming from. Sometimes, Jongdae will be carrying bags of groceries while holding Haru's hand and Joonmyun will offer his help. When he's not carrying bags of groceries, Joonmyun and Jongdae make do with talking about how their days went.

As they spend more and more of their days exchanging snippets of their life, Joonmyun starts dropping by at 202 with more than just kimbap sometimes. It reminds Joonmyun of his family, whom he'd eaten dinner with for years before he left the province. Jongdae's bright smile and Haru's warm laughter provide Joonmyun with a comfort that his family back in the province can't give him now. He appreciates their hospitality and repays it by cooking them dinner sometimes at his own apartment.

Today is not much different. It's another morning of Joonmyun walking out of his apartment and catching Jongdae with Haru in his arms, half-asleep. With all the time they spend together, they've gotten better with small talk and have revealed a few more personal things to each other.

"Good morning, Jongdae," Joonmyun greets as he and Jongdae begin their walk to the bus stop.

"Good morning, Joonmyun-ssi," Jongdae greets back, pocketing his keys.

"You really should stop calling me Joonmyun-ssi. It makes me feel a lot older than you. Just call me hyung." Jongdae laughs but nods anyway.

"How old are you anyway?" Jongdae asks, adjusting Haru in his arms as she begins to fall asleep.

"How old do you think I am?" Joonmyun shoots back, smirking at Jongdae.

"Thirty?" Jongdae teases. "I figured someone as cheesy and corny as you were probably old."

Joonmyun visibly deflates at that and sighs. "Hey, I'm only twenty-six."

"If you say so," Jongdae singsongs. Joonmyun gives up trying to fight with Jongdae, knowing he'll lose.

"What about you? How old are you?" They stand side by side, waiting for the bus to approach. From the corner of his eyes, Joonmyun notices Jongdae flinch. But before he can ask, the bus stops right in front of them. They get on and Joonmyun moves aside so Jongdae can take the window seat.

"I'm twenty-one," Jongdae says when they've settled.

"What?"

Jongdae sighs as he adjusts Haru on his lap, the little girl fully asleep in her father's arms. "I'm twenty-one."

"Oh, wow, that's definitely younger than I thought." It's out before he can stop himself, and Joonmyun notices the small wince Jongdae makes at the comment. Not wanting to make his neighbor uncomfortable, Joonmyun tries to maneuver the topic of conversation to safer waters. "Does that mean you're still in school?"

"Yeah," Jongdae sighs.

It hits Joonmyun then that the last stop of the bus is the university 30 minutes away from their complex. It really shouldn't have taken him this long to realize, but he'd been waiting for Jongdae to open up to him on his own.

"That's great. Are you also working?" Joonmyun asks, keeping his tone as casual as possible. This seems to relax Jongdae as he leans back on the bus bench.

"Yeah, I work after my classes at a restaurant nearby." Joonmyun watches as Jongdae's cheeks color a little and he looks out the window as he says, "I want to be a chef."

"That explains all the delicious food you cook," Joonmyun comments, not realizing he'd said anything until Jongdae starts chuckling at him.

"Thanks, just for that, you can come have dinner with us again this Saturday." Jongdae winks and Joonmyun's his heart skip a beat.

"I really appreciate that," Joonmyun says, smiling at Jongdae. Jongdae smiles back at him before returning to look out the window. Joonmyun takes that as the cue to end their conversation. He doesn't particularly mind as he preoccupies himself with a million questions.

Joonmyun can hear whispers of the old ladies' gossip. He'd heard many things about Jongdae or "the father in 202". They often shook their heads at him and sighed. They called him a disappointing youth, a failure of a father and a burden on his parents. Joonmyun can now see why. He honestly thought Jongdae had already graduated from college.

_Still_ , Joonmyun thinks, _this doesn't change anything_. He has seen Jongdae take care of Haru and he can tell how hardworking he is by the shadows under his eyes and the scars on his arms. Despite what the old ladies think of Jongdae, he knows he is far from it. He may have had a daughter far too early on in his life, but he seems to be doing his best to provide for his family, and that makes him an amazing man.

When Joonmyun's stop comes, he bids Jongdae goodbye and watches as the bus leaves. He meets eyes with Jongdae just before it goes and they exchange smiles. Joonmyun promises right then and there to help Jongdae as much as possible in whatever way he can.

  


* * *

  


The dinners together turn into a routine, with Jongdae using both Joonmyun and Haru as practice material. Joonmyun definitely appreciates the homemade meals, finding them to be more filling than his take-outs... or worse, his own plain cooking. Eating with Haru and Jongdae is certainly the highlight of the dinners. Haru's smile and laughter fill the apartment with so much life. And then there's Jongdae.

Jongdae has this way of speaking that captivates Joonmyun, keeps him listening until those lips close. He swallows the lump in his throat as he looks away from those lips. Before his eyes can dart away, Jongdae's tongue peeks out to swipe at his bottom lip. Joonmyun takes a deep breath and calms the storm in him.

"You're a little late tonight." Joonmyun can hear the silent question in Jongdae's tone.

"Yeah, got caught up at work. Haru's at the excursion...?" Joonmyun asks back, walking inside the apartment. From where he stands, he breathes in the scent of dinner, his mouth watering.

"Yup. Already called the daycare and they said she's doing okay. Some of the parents at the excursion have been keeping her under their care," Jongdae explains as he goes back to cooking. Joonmyun can tell that Jongdae just barely has it together. His hands fumble as he grips onto the ladle tightly and he's barely spared Joonmyun a glance since he opened the door. Joonmyun sighs instead of addressing the problem.

"That's good. Anyway, I asked because I brought these with me," Joonmyun smirks as he pulls out cans of beers from the plastic bag in his hand. Jongdae takes a look at them and visibly relaxes.

"Thanks, I could probably use one now." Jongdae doesn't bother asking as he grabs one and downs it in one go. "Ah," he exaggerates. "Now that hits the spot. Thanks, hyung." He flashes Joonmyun a quick smile and then goes back to cooking. Joonmyun gives himself an imaginary pat on the back for a job well done.

When Jongdae finishes cooking, Joonmyun helps him put the food down on the table. Joonmyun notes how much food there is and the fact that there's only two of them at home. "Did you forget Haru wasn't eating with us or something?" Joonmyun can't help but ask. Jongdae laughs nervously, taking a sip of his second can of beer.

"I was a little worried and the only way I could stop worrying was to cook... so this happened."

Joonmyun scoffs at the back of his hand and Jongdae pouts, taking his seat at the table.

"I'll make sure to enjoy all these then," Joonmyun smiles appreciatively at all the food displayed. He grabs pieces from each plate to taste them all and takes more of the ones he really likes. From the corner of his eye, he can see Jongdae smiling at him as he eats.

"These are really good," Joonmyun comments when he's tasted everything.

"Thanks, I'm glad you seem to be really enjoying them." Jongdae has his head rested on his palm, this inexplicable smile playing on his lips. It does things to Joonmyun's heart. He ends up eating a lot more than his stomach can take, unable to handle the way his heart won't stop pounding.

"I can't believe we managed to finish all that," Jongdae comments, taking another sip of his third beer. "I was thinking we could always give some to the neighbors." Jongdae ends with an unexpected burp that gets the both of them laughing. They laugh until their stomachs start hurting from all the unneeded exercise.

After the dinner's been cleared, and the plates have been washed, they move to the living room where they both relax on the couch. Joonmyun opens his second can of beer and watches Jongdae finish his third beer.

"Maybe you should drink some water," Joonmyun suggests.

"Nah, I'm good. I haven't had a beer since Haru started living with me."

"Wow, that's a long time. What is she, five years old? You haven't had a beer since she was five?"

Jongdae laughs, truly amused at Joonmyun's question. Joonmyun can't help but quirk his eyebrow at his friend. "No, hyung, Haru's only been with me for half a year." Jongdae seems to have heard his own words and covers his mouth with his hand. He stiffens where he's seated and looks at Joonmyun.

Joonmyun doesn't understand what Jongdae means. "What?" he ends up saying, even though there are so many more questions he'd rather ask.

Jongdae looks around for a second, lost, before looking down at his hands. "Nothing," he says and then, "I mean—I." He swallows the lump in his throat and Joonmyun just sits there even more confused.

Jongdae takes a deep breath and puts down his can of beer. Joonmyun waits patiently for the silent questions to be answered. Jongdae leans back on his couch and looks ahead.

"Haru, she's not actually my daughter," Jongdae almost whispers. It takes a while for Joonmyun to hear, but when it reaches him, all the questions in his head threaten to spill out. "She's my niece," Jongdae clears, a sad smile growing on his lips.

"What happened?" Joonmyun finally manages to utter. He slides on the couch so he and Jongdae are sitting a little closer. If Jongdae needed him for anything, Joonmyun would be ready.

"My brother was her father, but he and his wife died in a car accident a few months ago." Jongdae sighs and clenches his fists. Joonmyun tentatively places his hand on his back, running it slowly up and down. "It was just my brother and me. There was no one else who could—," Jongdae mutters, his knuckles almost white. "I didn't—I couldn't just leave Haru alone."

Joonmyun wraps his arms around Jongdae, and with his face pressed against Joonmyun's shirt, Jongdae takes a shuddering breath before crying out. Jongdae balls his fist on Joonmyun's shirt and sheds away all of his frustration. Joonmyun whispers words of comfort, even though he's sure that Jongdae can't hear them beyond his own muttering.

It takes a few more minutes before Jongdae calms down. Joonmyun leaves him to get him some water and allows Jongdae all the time to relax.

"Thanks," Jongdae says after finishing his glass.

"Anytime," Joonmyun smiles and claps his hand on Jongdae's shoulder. "It's not healthy keeping all that in, you know."

Jongdae scoffs. "I know, but, I couldn't afford to let myself feel that way," Jongdae explains, his voice soft and far away. "It felt as if I would crumble every time I felt like crying. Felt like I'd give up if I even thought about it." Jongdae bites his lip as if to stop himself from saying anything more. Joonmyun waits until he's sure that Jongdae has nothing else to say before reaching for Jongdae's hand.

Joonmyun squeezes the hand in his and says, "But you didn't, and that's all that matters."

Jongdae smiles at that, and Joonmyun feels like he can breathe a little easier at the sight.

"Thanks for listening to all that. My brother, he wasn't only my family, he was also my best friend. I never thought I could ever have someone like that again."

Joonmyun nods and squeezes Jongdae's hand once more. "You can always count on me."

"I couldn't—" Jongdae starts before Joonmyun cuts him off.

"No, I insist. I can't imagine just how hard it must've been for you to raise Haru all on your own and have to deal with your brother's death all at once." Joonmyun thinks about all those things the old ladies' said and how many more people must've thought the same. His hand tightens its grip on Jongdae's. "I want to be here for you, for anything."

The words fall out of his lips without his notice, but as he hears it for himself, he realizes how true it is. He and Jongdae have spent so many days and nights together that it almost seems impossible for Joonmyun not to be around when Jongdae needs help. He can't allow Jongdae to suffer alone, not anymore. He offers Jongdae a reassuring smile, hoping Jongdae won't turn him away, not when he feels so strongly about this.

Jongdae looks into his eyes, searching for something. When it seems that he's found it, he takes a deep breath and leans into Joonmyun, resting his head on Joonmyun's shoulder. His voice breaks and trembles as he says, "Thank you," over and over again. Joonmyun holds him in his arms, knowing in his heart that he would do anything for Jongdae.

  


* * *

  


At first, Joonmyun regards his feelings as friendship. Seeing Jongdae's hardships remind him of his first few weeks alone in his apartment. It's those feelings that influenced him to help Jongdae as much as possible. At least that's what he tells himself.

Whenever he makes Jongdae smile, whenever he makes Jongdae laugh, something stirs deep inside of Joonmyun that tells him there's something more to these feelings. But he pushes these thoughts back, afraid of the consequences that came with acknowledging them. Instead, Joonmyun pours all of his feelings into jokes that make Jongdae laugh, the help that Jongdae desperately needs and into dreams filled with Jongdae's voice, singing and smiling, to him and only for him.

Joonmyun's eyes snap open, the dream fading into a shady memory. He sits up on his bed and runs a hand through his hair. Resting his head against the wall, he takes a deep breath. Even if he did acknowledge the fluttering in his stomach and the pounding of his heart, even if he did admit it to himself, there was no way he could be sure that Jongdae wouldn't reject him. And if Jongdae did reject him, then Jongdae would be all alone again. Joonmyun would end up breaking his promise to himself.

He sighs. "This is all so complicated," he mutters to himself.

On the one hand, his brain seems to tell him, if he did acknowledge his feelings, and Jongdae reciprocated _those feelings_ , then his promise of never leaving Jongdae's side would mean differently. Joonmyun can feel his cheeks flush at the thought. Him and Jongdae, taking care of Haru together, eating together like a family, and sleeping together.

Joonmyun buries his head in his hands and groans.

"Fuck," he says. _I love him._

And with that, Joonmyun plops back into his bed and buries himself under his blankets.

  


* * *

  


As much as he would like to think that nothing has changed, it becomes increasingly obvious that something has when he walks with Jongdae to the bus stop.

The day starts out like usual, greeting each other and walking to the stop. Joonmyun smiles a little to himself when he realizes that everything else seems to be normal. He enjoys the silence between them, as is common in the mornings as both Jongdae and Haru still seem tired.

It's when they reach the first stop that Joonmyun's heart starts to race. All of a sudden, he notices how close Jongdae is to him, feels the heat of his arm and thigh right on his own. He takes a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart. Just when it's beginning to slow down, Jongdae starts humming right beside him.

Joonmyun whips his head to the side so fast and catches sight of Jongdae holding Haru in his arms and putting her to sleep. Haru smiles at him before closing her eyes and succumbing to the call of her dreams. Joonmyun's heart aches at the sight. He so badly wants to be a part of this picture, wants to be the person sitting beside Jongdae and humming the lullaby for _their_ little girl.

The thought takes Joonmyun aback, shocking him as the emotions sink in. He sits there frozen, staring at Jongdae and Haru who are in their own world. The feelings of wanting to be part of Jongdae's world and needing to become something more than just the neighbor to these two only grow stronger.

And Joonmyun realizes then that something has changed. Joonmyun looks at Jongdae now and doesn't see a father, or a neighbor. He looks at Jongdae and sees him for who he is and everything that he has to offer. He looks at the small family beside him and wants to be part of that family, more than he’s ever known before. And it's these strong feelings, Joonmyun thinks, that are hard to suppress. If he could lie and fool himself into believing that he didn't love Jongdae before, he couldn't do that now. He can't even bear to pretend, even for a second, that he doesn't want Jongdae and Haru in his life.

Joonmyun sighs heavily as he leans back onto the bus chair.

"You okay?" Jongdae whispers, a hand quickly reaching out to gently pat him on his arm.

Joonmyun smiles weakly. "Yeah, just couldn't get some sleep."

Jongdae nudges him as best as he can with Haru in his arm, offering his own kind of comfort. "Well, tomorrow's a weekend so you can sleep in."

"Hopefully."

"I'm sure you can," is all Jongdae says before they fall into a lull.

_I doubt it,_ Joonmyun thinks. _My heart will be too busy wanting you and my mind will be too preoccupied with thoughts of you not wanting me._

  


* * *

  


Despite all the desires that bubble up inside him, Joonmyun realizes that they get easier and easier to control as the days and weeks pass. He can finally breathe within in the same room, and his heart may still race, but it doesn't threaten to jump out of his chest anymore. All in all, Joonmyun returns to a somewhat normal state.

He says and thinks _somewhat_ because in spite of all that improvement, something deep inside of him, a feeling he's tried to ignore, grows stronger. Joonmyun takes a deep breath and steps out of his apartment. He's just spent another dinner night with Jongdae and Haru. Now that he's all alone, there's nothing to distract him from this fear that's slowly reaching out for his heart.

The soft night breeze blows and slightly cools the fire of distress in his veins. Joonmyun breathes in the scent of Seoul and Fridays on his apartment balcony, closing his eyes. He allows his brain to just stop thinking, to focus on counting his breath, counting the minutes that pass. When he opens his eyes, his mind stays blank, looking up at the starless sky.

Little by little, his mind begins to paint the sky with sharp lines, curling lips, and that soft tuft of hair. Joonmyun's eyes zoom in on the image and sighs.

"Not only do I think about you every second of my life, but I actually see your face now in the sky too," Joonmyun mutters to himself, squinting his eyes at the fading image.

And soon, the picture of Jongdae is accompanied by his soft tenor. It fills the air around Joonmyun, it's melody lulling him into a trance. Before it can suck him into another world, Joonmyun's eyes pop open. He looks at the disappearing image of Jongdae on the sky and groans into his hands, running them through his hair before keeping his head buried under them.

"Give me a break, Kim Jongdae," he says, more to the image even though he's not looking at it. "First, I see you in the sky and now I have to hear you sing, too?" He sighs and pulls his head out of his arms.

When he looks at the sky, it's empty. There are no traces of Jongdae's face on it. The voice has gone as well, leaving Joonmyun in silence. Joonmyun soaks it in, savoring the feeling before his feelings threaten him with insanity once more.

"Isn't it enough that I love you?" Joonmyun says to no one in particular. He sighs as he rests against the ledge. "And to think that I came out here to clear my head."

From his right, someone clears their throat. Joonmyun freezes right where he's standing. He doesn't dare turn his head to the side, afraid of what he could possibly see.

"Hyung?" Jongdae's voice echoes.

Joonmyun swallows the lump in his throat and hesitantly faces the subject of his lunacy. Jongdae has a sheepish smile on his lips, but it's his eyes that strike Joonmyun as odd. It keeps him standing there, where if it were any other time, Joonmyun would've made his way to the edge of his balcony to continue conversing. There's something swimming in those eyes, something incredibly sad that it tears at Joonmyun.

"What did you just say?" Jongdae's voice is soft, only carried by the winds. 

Joonmyun runs through all the possible scenarios in his head and they somehow all end up with rejection. He opens and closes his mouth but nothing comes out. It takes another second before Joonmyun can gather his wits. He clenches his fist, bites his lip and avoids meeting Jongdae's eyes. When he's sure he can't see or hear Jongdae anymore, Joonmyun says, "I said I love you."

Joonmyun has never found silence to be comfortable, but the silence that surrounds them now is by far the most uncomfortable one he's ever had the chance of experiencing.

"I don't know—" a cry comes from somewhere around Jongdae's apartment and Joonmyun finally decides to look at the man before him. Jongdae looks torn between staying and leaving.

"Go. Haru needs you."

Jongdae looks to his balcony door and at Joonmyun. "Tomorrow. Let's talk tomorrow," is all he says before running back to Haru.

Joonmyun breathes out, expelling the anxiety he'd felt from the encounter along with every breath. He deflates back onto the ledge of his balcony and looks at the empty sky.

"It's over."

  


* * *

  


The next morning is just as awkward as Joonmyun expects it to be. He and Jongdae walk in uncomfortable silence to the bus stop. Haru doesn't seem to notice as she tries to stay awake throughout the whole thing. With Haru somewhat awake, Joonmyun is able to distract himself from the heavy ambiance between him and Jongdae. Haru sleepily tells him of her day's agenda and he listens intently.

But eventually, Haru falls asleep, mumbling Joonmyun a soft goodnight before closing her eyes. The awkward silence comes crashing back and Joonmyun sits there counting the minutes that pass. His stop seems to take a lifetime to come.

"Uhm—" Jongdae begins, adjusting Haru in his arms so he can lean more closely in Joonmyun's space. "Can you come over tonight?"

Joonmyun swallows the lump in his throat and nods.

Jongdae takes a deep breath. "Come by at around ten. Haru will be asleep by then so we can talk."

"Okay," Joonmyun utters. Before he can say any more—not that he had anything to say to begin with—his stop comes. Joonmyun sends Jongdae one last look and bids him goodbye.

Joonmyun breathes a little easier as soon as he steps off the bus, but he doesn't stop thinking about Jongdae all day long. He imagines all kinds of ways Jongdae can reject him and spaces out several times during the day. It's a wonder how he even manages to teach at all. When he comes home after work, he finds that he can't particularly remember anything about his classes. 

He drags himself to his nightly routine, eating his tasteless takeouts for dinner and cleaning himself up. He knows it's going to end in heartbreak, but Joonmyun would rather do it looking good. He checks himself in the mirror before leaving his apartment. He makes sure to take a couple deep breaths before knocking on Jongdae's door.

Jongdae gestures for him to come in and to stay quiet. Joonmyun has never stayed over this late, and he can tell how different it is from when Haru's awake and when she's not. It's much quieter for one thing, but it also feels lonely.

Jongdae leads Joonmyun to the bedroom and Joonmyun holds back the need to explore the place with his eyes. He settles for watching Haru sleep on the master bed and follows Jongdae out onto the balcony.

For a moment, all Joonmyun hears is the rush of the wind, and he watches how it messes with Jongdae's soft hair. Jongdae leans onto the edge, looking out into the city, and Joonmyun traces the lines that make up Jongdae.

"I—" Jongdae begins, distracting Joonmyun from his thoughts. Joonmyun quickly looks away and leans back onto the ledge, so he'll stop looking at Jongdae. "I lost my parents when I was thirteen and my brother was eighteen. He was the only family I had left and I loved him more than anything," Jongdae finally says.

Joonmyun takes a deep breath and listens on intently, waiting for the words he knows are yet to come.

"When he married, it felt like I'd gotten my family back again. His wife, my sister-in-law, was a kind woman who accepted my brother and me. She treated me like her own brother. And when Haru was born, it felt like things were finally falling into place." Jongdae explains. "But when they left, when they—they died, it felt like the world was testing me. I'd been left alone to deal with all this mess, to take care of Haru and raise her. It didn't feel like I could ever have that kind of happiness ever again."

Joonmyun's heart breaks as he hears Jongdae's voice break. He doesn't know where Jongdae wants to go with this, but from the way he sounds, he can tell that it isn't in his favor.

"But you came along, and you were so kind, and you helped me and Haru out with so many things. It really felt like I wasn't alone anymore. I could face the world because you were right beside me. And that's when I realized," Jongdae pauses to finally look at Joonmyun, prompting him to look back. Joonmyun can't look away. "I couldn't bear it if I lost you too. I couldn't—I wouldn't be able to live if anything happened to you."

Jongdae steps closer until he's only just a breath away and then he says, "Joonmyun hyung." His fingers sliding against his hand, burning the skin when they meet. And Joonmyun wants to pull away, wants to stop this torture, but he can't because Jongdae's touch is soft and gentle and everything that he wants. "I'm so sorry," Jongdae whispers, his voice breaking and so close, so close that Joonmyun can feel his hot breath on his skin.

"I can't return your feelings, and it's not because I don't like you—God, that's not even, it's impossible to not like you." Jongdae scoffs, but Joonmyun doesn't find it funny, not even endearing. "But I can't. I can't handle building something more between us, only to lose you. Not after everything that happened."

Joonmyun has to hold back everything he wants to say because they all sound so selfish, biting his lips so hard they almost bleed.

The moon shines on Jongdae's eyes and he can see so much sadness in them. As Jongdae squeezes his hand, Joonmyun feels his flood of emotions overcome him. 

"What happens to us now?" It comes out much harsher than he'd expected, and he tries to tone it down, but what comes instead is a harsh whisper of, "What about how I feel?" Joonmyun wishes he could take it back but it's too late.

Jongdae's grip on his hand tightens, and Joonmyun doesn't even realize he'd looked away. Joonmyun locks onto Jongdae's eyes, looking so sad and broken. He wonders for a split second if Jongdae can see the same thing in his own eyes.

"I'm sorry, I—one day, you will definitely find someone out there much better than me," Jongdae says. His hand leaves Joonmyun's and stops right at Joonmyun's chest, resting just above his heart. "Give this heart to someone else, hyung."

Joonmyun closes his eyes. _But I want you_ , he thinks. But he keeps it in, bites his lip and waits until Jongdae finishes because he can't stand another second of this.

"I'm really sorry," Jongdae whispers right before he kisses Joonmyun on the forehead.

Before Joonmyun can show Jongdae his tears, he walks right out of there, almost running as he tries to get out of the apartment. Joonmyun goes straight to his bedroom, sitting down at the foot of the bed and putting a hand over his mouth. He lets his tears fall and sobs into his hand, hoping against hope that Jongdae doesn't hear.

Joonmyun doesn't know how, but he eventually falls asleep and wakes up to his alarm. He goes through the day by muscle memory alone. And he repeats this process of going through the motions until the weekend comes. He falls face first into bed, and for the first time since he moved in, he plugs in some earphones and puts his music on full blast.

  


* * *

  


Joonmyun does a good job of avoiding Jongdae throughout the following days. He leaves for work earlier and goes home much later. When he gets home, he plugs in some earphones and listens to music until he falls asleep. And repeat.

He doesn't even remember how many days it's been since he last saw Jongdae and Haru. On bus rides, he often finds himself thinking of how much he misses them. When dinner time comes around, he misses Jongdae's soft chatter and Haru's laughter. He can't comprehend how this happened, how two people he's only known for a few months can become so big in his life.

Before he can think even more on the subject, Joonmyun stuffs his mouth full of his tasteless dinner, hoping it can distract him from his aching heart.

It comes to a point where Joonmyun misses them so badly that he doesn't know what to do with himself. He can't focus on work, listening to music doesn't help. All he does is think about Haru and her bright smiles. All he does is think about Jongdae, his soft and beautiful voice which he hasn't heard in days.

Joonmyun growls and throws back the papers he has yet to grade. He pulls on his earphones, music blaring from the pods even as they reach the table. Sighing, he gets up from the table and drags his feet to the balcony. He hasn't been out on the balcony since he last saw Jongdae. Something about the similar setting brings up the painful memory. But tonight he would make an exception. He can't help feeling like the walls are caving in on him.

Once the cool night breeze hits him, Joonmyun breathes in the smell of the city. It's so different from the smell of his province, but it feels a lot like home now. He doesn't bother closing the door as he walks toward the ledge, eyes searching the clear sky before landing on the moon. Taking multiple deep breaths, he does his best to clear his mind. It works for a few minutes and in that time, Joonmyun finds reprieve.

But it doesn't last long, Joonmyun realizes. The longer he spends repressing the thoughts of Jongdae, the more prominent they become. Little by little, Jongdae starts invading his thoughts.

"I give up," Joonmyun whispers to the moon, closing his eyes so he can _see_ Jongdae better. He doesn't think about the sad way he looked when Jongdae turned him down. He thinks about his witty remarks, the way he smiles and everything that made him fall in love the first place. "No matter what," he mutters. _I will always love you._

"Hyung," he hears Jongdae call out. Joonmyun shakes the thought away. "Hyung," he hears again, a little more broken than the first time. It's so different from Jongdae's usual cheery greeting, and it compels him to look behind him

"Jongdae."

Jongdae looks sheepish as Joonmyun addresses him, averting his eyes before focusing on the ground. "I'm sorry," Jongdae whispers, stepping closer towards Joonmyun. "Your front door was open so I just—I let—I'm sorry." Jongdae doesn't look up even as they're only a foot away.

"That's fine," Joonmyun manages to say. He's not even surprised at his irresponsibility. He's been so out of it these past few days that he wouldn't put it past himself. "What are you doing here, Jongdae?" It comes out much harsher than he intended. Joonmyun cringes at the tone, and he notices Jongdae's slight flinch as well. "Sorry, I didn't mean—"

"No, that's fine, I—"

"What's wrong, Jongdae?" at the mention of his name, Jongdae finally looks up. Joonmyun can see the unshed tears at the edges of Jongdae's eyes, emotions swimming in those pools.

"One year ago today, my brother died." Jongdae's voice breaks and Joonmyun throws all inhibitions away, wrapping Jongdae in his arms where the latter bursts into tears. Jongdae cries and apologizes, gripping tightly onto Joonmyun. Joonmyun holds him through it, forgetting all the pain and hurt that Jongdae caused him.

Despite the crying Jongdae in his arms, Joonmyun manages to walk them back to his living room and sits them down on the couch. Jongdae doesn't let go of him even as he starts calming down, and Joonmyun only comes to his senses then, how hard it is to hold someone this close when that someone doesn't want to be with you. He just about says this when Jongdae tightens his hold on Joonmyun.

"Uhm, Jongdae," Joonmyun says, trying his best push Jongdae back.

"No," Jongdae whispers harshly. "I mean," Jongdae takes a deep breath, squeezes Joonmyun’s arms and lets go. "I can explain." Joonmyun looks at Jongdae’s hunched shoulders and turns away.

"There's no need. I understand that it was just a moment of vulnerability for you." He runs a hand through his hair, trying to hold on to his last stretch of self-control.

"It's not just that," Jongdae says a little too loudly. He clamps his mouth when he notices, sitting back down a little properly. "It's not just that," he repeats, softly this time. "I knew my brother and his wife's death anniversary was coming, so I've been thinking about a lot of things."

"That doesn't have anything to do with me."

"It does, actually. It has a lot to do with you because when I thought about visiting my brother's grave, I wanted you to be there with me and Haru. I wanted you to help me pick the lunch I would make and I wanted—no, needed you to hold my hand through all of it. I didn't—I couldn't cry in front of Haru, but if you were there, maybe, maybe I could cry with you. But—" Jongdae takes a deep breath and Joonmyun can tell it's taking all of his strength not to cry again.

"But?" Joonmyun encourages.

"But you weren't there. And it was my fault, because I pushed you away, because I was selfish." Jongdae wipes the tears with the heel of his palm, his breathing ragged.

Joonmyun's heart throbs, but he doesn't know what to do with what Jongdae has told him; he doesn't understand what Jongdae _wants_ from him. So he sits there quietly and waits for Jongdae to tell him.

"But every time I thought about you leaving me for whatever reason, I convinced myself that it was the right choice. For the both of us, it would be better to not have anything at all. I kept telling myself that until I couldn't handle it anymore." Jongdae takes a shaky breath. "When Haru fell asleep, I realized, for the first time, how lonely I was. Ever since you and I met, you've become such a huge part of my—our lives that without you around, I couldn't bear the thought of you not being there anymore." Jongdae wipes his tears once more and sighs. "Hyung, I love you. I love you and it might be too late, but I just—I just had to try."

It takes a second before Joonmyun can process Jongdae's words, maybe a little too long as he notices Jongdae's face fall. But when he does, his body moves before he can properly reply, enveloping Jongdae and trapping him in place. Jongdae sighs out a shaky breath of relief, wrapping his own arms around Joonmyun and holding on tight.

"Thank you," Jongdae whispers over and over until he starts crying again. "Thank you."

Joonmyun shushes him and wipes his own tears, relishing in the moment. "I love you," he whispers right by Jongdae's ears. "And I can't promise you that I won't leave you like your brother did, but for as long as I'm alive, Jongdae, I will always be here for you. You and Haru."

Jongdae cries a little harder at Joonmyun's words, and Joonmyun holds Jongdae through it all, and this time, he doesn't have to let go.

"Thank you."

  


* * *

  


Joonmyun sighs as he watches Jongdae load their laundry into the dryer. After carefully explaining to their landlady, they were moved into a complex that fit a small family and have moved in almost a month ago. Joonmyun definitely thinks he's living the dream.

"What are you smiling about?" Jongdae asks, nudging Joonmyun with his arm.

"Joonmyun-appa's just being weird," Haru says, shaking her head in disapproval. Despite the obvious insult, Joonmyun can't hear past _Joonmyun-appa_. Since he and Jongdae moved in, Haru has started calling them both appa and it warms Joonmyun's heart every single time.

"Joonmyun appa _is_ being weird, isn't he? Should Jongdae-appa, break up with this weird man then?"

"No!" Both he and Haru say at the same time. Joonmyun looks down at the little girl whose hand he's holding and they both smile at each other. Jongdae just laughs.

"Don't you two get along."

"Is Jongdae-appa jealous?" Haru says, letting go of Joonmyun's hand and gesturing for Jongdae to carry her. Jongdae obliges and when Haru's in his arms, she plants a big sloppy kiss on his cheeks. "Don't worry, Jongdae-appa, I love you both very much."

"Where's my kiss, Haru-ah?"

Haru giggles and leans over to kiss Joonmyun, too.

_Ah yes,_ Joonmyun thinks. _This is bliss._ It's been more than a year since he and Jongdae talked and got together, and Joonmyun wouldn't trade his life for anything.

Just then, the chattering of old ladies grow louder.

"Can you believe it?" One of them exclaims, loud enough for both of them to hear.

"How can they engage in such acts, and in front of a little girl?!?" One of them asks, clearly disgusted.

"Such poor role models!"

Joonmyun takes a deep breath. He's heard them talk about _his_ little family, but they didn't have Haru with them at the time. Jongdae looks a little sheepish at being seen and talked about. He knows from Jongdae's stories that he hates being in situations like these, especially with Haru. Before he can think about it, he pulls Jongdae and Haru closer to him.

"Don't mind them," Joonmyun whispers, and it's enough to relax Jongdae.

"Thanks."

"I love you," Joonmyun says, sincerely, if only to distract Jongdae. "Both you and Haru."

"I love you, too."

And Joonmyun closes the distance, planting a soft peck on those lips. Jongdae responds so well, like he always does, and Joonmyun can't help it if he deepens the kiss just slightly. Haru squeals in between them and they both cover her eyes, losing themselves in the kiss.

The loud gasps and exclaims of disgust from the old ladies are just a bonus.

_This is the life_ , Joonmyun thinks.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank my beta for being able to look over this (mess) despite how short the notice was. Truly you are the real MVP. Thank you also to the prompter! You had a great prompt and I really wish I could've done more with it. But if you could like and enjoy this fic even a little bit, then that's all that matters!  


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